The rise of the widow

Text & Photos: Linda Roemer

Seven years ago, Afsana and her husband decided to kill themselves. Her husband died. Afsana survived. This is when her life as a widow began.

India has recorded the highest number of widows in the entire world. The desert state Rajasthan in particular has a strong patriarchal culture, an environment in which widows are generally suppressed and discriminated against at all levels. Marriage is still of great importance for families living in India - it is regarded as a lifetime commitment.

Before Afsana’s marriage, she had lived a happy life. But once she got married and moved to her husband’s house, it is where things started getting worse. Her mother-in-law and her brother-in-law abused her verbally and physically daily, without her husband standing up for her. Financial problems burdened the family. The three children needed to go to school, yet their educational needs were overshadowed by other necessities that had a clear priority. It was one night in 2012 where Afsana and her husband felt that they could no longer carry all this weight on their shoulders. The doctors could only save Afsana – and the label ‘widow’ has been ingrained into her identity ever since.

The traumatic experience of losing a husband is increased by the cultural and social restrictions and suppressive rules placed on an Indian woman after her husband’s death. Once married, Indian women are supposed to live in their husbands' multi-generational family homes for the rest of their lives and it is seen as not acceptable for the widows to move out of this home after his death or to remarry, which exposes many to exploitation. In general, regardless of the religion, an Indian widow is often considered as a carrier of bad luck and the cause of her husband’s death, and in some extremely conservative places in the rural area, they are being discriminated to an extent that people keep their distance from them or even clear the road as soon as they see the widow. Therefore, most widows in India are excluded from any interaction in social spaces - private and public - and are abused mentally, but also financially, by the communities they live in, as well as the in-law family. In the past, widows in India have faced multiple discriminatory legal barriers, as it is hard for them to obtain inheritances, land or even get access to their passports. The great majority of Indian widows is illiterate, meaning that they cannot read and write. The high illiteracy rate results from the fact that many got married in their childhood, which eventually led to the end of their education. Because most of them lack sufficient education, financial resources and self-esteem, widows in India generally avoid pressing charges when they are being abused or in any other way mistreated.

Afsana was left alone with taking care of her children and doing the housework with only very limited financial support both from her own and the in-law family. Yet her brother-in-law encouraged her to go to the women’s centre at Sambhali Trust, hoping that she’d be learning skills that could be of help for the family’s survival. Afsana learned a new important skill – sewing and embroidery. Her work had been so good that after one year she was gifted with her own sewing machine and a paid job at the Sambhali Graduate Sewing Centre. Afsana loves to create room decoration, silk trees and stars – symbols of growth and light. Afsana’s parents in-law were pressing to get rid of her daughter by marrying her off. Friends at the sewing centre have encouraged her to stand up against her mother-in-law and brother-in-law, against their on-going devaluing comments and harsh actions. Afsana now knows how to say “no” to them. She now lives in a different room, and cooks her own food for herself and her children. Not only her friends were proud to hear that Afsana has gained the confidence to fight for herself, it is also Afsana who has now learned that her voice should no longer be suffocated, neither in her family nor in the wider society.

Afsana works in the Graduate Sewing Centre. The job allows her to be financially independent.

Parveen shares a similar story. The 32-year-old woman, who lives in a Muslim slum in central Jodhpur, lost her husband five years ago due to cancer. Ever since, she has had to borrow money from her neighbours and friends, as her parents-in-law refuse to support her in any way. She hardly sees the doctor for her worsening problems with anemia, as she cannot afford to pay the medical fees. Parveen’s in-law family want her to make money so that they’d no longer have to pay for their son’s and Parveen’s two children’s needs – and if she needed any help, she would need to continue asking her neighbours and friends or consult her own parents, who live far away and have very limited resources themselves. Ever since Parveen’s husband’s death, she has to suffer mental abuse coming from her in-laws on a daily basis – they see her as completely useless in the household, thus sent her to study at Sambhali Trust. In one month, Parveen will graduate from the centre, meaning that she will be gifted with her own sewing machine. This will enable her to start her own tailoring business and continue creating clothes for herself and her children at home.

Parveen will soon be gifted with a sewing machine

“Sambhali Trust is my whole life”, says another woman with the name Parveen. An illness was responsible for her husband’s death in 2011. Before she joined the Fatima Empowerment Centre of Sambhali Trust two years later, she did not know how to hold the needle that she would need for the piece of embroidery she was going to work on. Now she is the supervisor in the Sambhali Trust Graduate Sewing Centre, making sure that all products made by the graduates are finished on time with exceptional quality. She assigns tasks to the graduates and helps them when problems arise. “Before I joined Sambhali Trust, I was living at my husband’s house. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were always fighting with me. They used bad words all the time. Not only against me, but also against my three children”, explains Parveen. “My parents-in-law did not support me in any way, and they did not grant me any rights for our property”. In the rare times that Parveen was angry with her children, the mother-in-law told them that their mother didn’t care about them, that she never wanted them, that she just wanted to find a new husband – which was not true. “They blamed me for my husband’s illness, and eventually, for his death. I thought that this is my destiny now”.

Parveen finally decided to move back to her own parents’ house in 2013, after two years of living with her in-laws. It was also that time when she heard about Sambhali Trust. Anju Choudhary and Vimlesh Solaki, both Sambhali staff, were investigating the area Parveen was living in – a Muslim slum in Jodhpur. 120 ladies immediately signed up for joining the newly opened Fatima Empowerment Centre. “I didn’t have any skills. I had never been educated”. Parveen was eager to start learning. It was not an easy start at Fatima Empowerment Centre. “I slowly learned sewing and embroidery, but when we had this big order of bracelets, I made a major mistake. All the 305 bracelets that I had been doing had the wrong measurements and wrong stitches”. But Parveen continued, and after a year, she graduated from the centre, being gifted with her own sewing machine. She wanted to open her own tailoring shop, but the profit from that would never be sufficient for a single mother of three children. So she joined the Graduate Sewing Centre of Sambhali Trust, where she was making a good income. “Yet, when I wanted to pay the tuition fee for my children, I needed to borrow the money. It was 600 Rupees. Somehow, I lost the money. I cried a lot, desperately trying to find it on the streets that I had been walking on. I couldn’t find it. I knew I would need to make three more elephants at the Sewing Centre to have these 600 Rupees back. The father of three children living in the Sheerni Boarding Home of Sambhali Trust saw me looking for the money, and he told Sambhali Trust about my needs. A few days later, I was offered the job at the supervisor at the Sewing Centre. It would give me 3,500 Rupees extra per month.” Parveen was not sure whether she could handle the big responsibility that comes along with the job of the supervisor. But she did find a way to work with it – very successfully.

Sambhali Trust now also sponsors her three children’s education. Recently, her youngest boy suffered an eye injury and needed to be sent to a clinic in Ahmedabad, which Sambhali Trust offered to pay for. “Everyone around me is supportive. My father and my brother’s wives are still giving their bad comments sometimes, but I have the love and support from my mother, my children, my neighbours and the Sambhali Trust family”.  Parveen loves to spend time with her friends at the Graduate Sewing Centre. Kavita, the manager of the Sewing Centre, explains that all women working in the centre have similar stories to Parveen. “All of them have pain in their hearts, but they keep wearing smiles on their faces”. Parveen loves producing elephants as well as Christmas decoration. “My children, now 8, 13 and 14 years old, know they have to study hard. It is what Sambhali Trust is offering to our family. If Sambhali is not helping us anymore, we don’t get education anymore. They all have dreams they are willing to fight for – jobs as a doctor or police man”.

Parveen is the supervisor at the Graduate Sewing Centre. Her children's education is funded by Sambhali Trust.

Prem is a cook at Sheerni Boarding Home in the eastern parts of Jodhpur. She’s been working at the boarding home for two months now. Her husband died of a heart attack. Through working at the boarding home, she takes care of the meals of 25 children, therefore actively contributing to their well-being and health. Her sister helped her to get the job at the boarding home, since the family had many burdens to carry. Her sister was sure that Prem would feel comfortable doing that kind of job. “She was right. From the very beginning, all the children welcomed me. The job allows me to not only take back something for myself, it also allows me to give something very meaningful to others”. Prem is like a mother for these 25 children, who all come from the desert area around Jodhpur. “Whenever I leave the boarding home, the children ask me: ‘mother, where are you going?’”. Although she states that her mother-in-law and her husband’s brother are generally supportive, she now sleeps in the boarding home, an environment full of laughter and love.

Prem is like a mother to the 25 children living in the Sheerni Boarding Home

Sunita lost her husband last year on International Women's Day, also due to a heart attack. After that, she could no longer go to Shakti Empowerment Centre for five months - the centre that her husband had always encouraged her to go to. Since she had been one of the most experienced students at the centre, and her parents-in-law are unable to make an income, she was given training at the Graduate Sewing Centre for two weeks to learn all the skills necessary for being a sewing teacher. Sunita started her job as the sewing teacher at Shakti Empowerment Centre in March 2019, feeling grateful she is now able to contribute to her family's well-being financially. Her three children - two sons and one daughter - all go to school, sponsored by Sambhali Trust. Manju, the English teacher at Shakti Empowerment Centre, is glad to have Sunita's creative support. Sunita is Hindu. The religious Sanskrit text Manusmriti, which is of great importance for Hindu societies, positions the husband as the leader in the relationship, in which the wife has to show constant devotion to her husband, also after his death. As colour is linked to the sexual state of people in Hindu societies, widows are expected to completely get rid of the colour red, which is regarded as the colour of desire. On top of that, Hindu widows have to stick to more regulations that are written in the Manusmriti: It is stated that widows should be shunned from any participation in community life. Sunita, however, is lucky to be treated better than the majority of other Hindu widows. Her parents-in-law support her and treat her well, and Sunita is an essential member of the Sambhali family.

Sunita (left) and Manju (right) in Shakti Empowerment Centre. Sunita is the creative head of the centre.

Then there was another woman in the Graduate Sewing Centre of Sambhali Trust, Sairayabhanu. She was a widow, but never stopped listening to her own needs and feelings – she remarried after her husband’s death, something which is seen as an absolute taboo. All of these women are examples that it is worth it to try break down the walls that society had been building up for so many years, it is worth it to challenge the norms that had been pushing those down who in reality have the ability to rise the highest.

Afsana marching with the Sambhali family at International Women's Day 2019